I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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