We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
she told me i tasted like america
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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