I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
