I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
