I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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