You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
