don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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