Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Michael Bay diarrhea
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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