that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
