I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
