i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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