after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
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I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
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I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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