none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
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July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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