Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
