i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Randomize
