we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
