I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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