If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
