We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
