Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
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careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
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Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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