I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
