you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
