Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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