i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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