Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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