If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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