Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
