"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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