It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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