What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
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