Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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