i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Randomize
