Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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