I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
