There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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