she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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