Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
