Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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