Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
