i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
