i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
