Where is the hickey?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
