First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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