I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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