I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We have started to decorate penises.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
