we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
