Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
