hell yes lets make some ravioli
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
