I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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