Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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