Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
