Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
