I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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