If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
