Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
