He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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