i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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