i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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