i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
