we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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