Can i not drive my cunt home
I think I died a long time ago.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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