You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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