I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
