I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
